my twelfth house year.

i created this website when i was about six weeks into a twelfth house year. little did i know just how much solitude i would require with this profection…

i’m an incredibly creative person. when i decided to use the momentum of the great conjunction to build a blog/website, i always intended it to be for astrological purposes. i had great dreams and plans about how i would build my business and where this journey would take me.

but life happens while we’re busy making other plans. and as much as i desperately wanted to pour my heart out in my blog, i had to retain some privacy and some peace. i retreated from doing readings. i retreated from writing publicly. everything that was happening around me was simply too heavy and i couldn’t muster the energy to give to anyone but myself. honestly, i wasn’t even really taking care of myself, either.

for much of 2020/2021, i had a full-time job that required me to throw every single cell of my body into the effort. i was working 60+ hour weeks, and it still wasn’t enough to accomplish every task or answer every email. some of this was my fault – i still struggle to set boundaries, and whenever i did silence my phone or close my laptop i would feel immense guilt and anxiety. what had i missed that day? who had i not responded to, and what if their request was urgent? what would my boss think of me if i slipped up?

but much of this was also my employer’s fault. i lost my team that had helped keep the ship afloat due to COVID budget cuts. i was expected to do the work of two or three people but was being paid for the work of one person – and even then, i certainly wasn’t making what i should have been for the title i held or the expertise i brought to the role.

this isn’t an unusual story. this is the plight of so many folks living and working in the united states today. it’s this constant, vicious cycle of fear and exhaustion. you do your best but you worry it isn’t good enough. you make a mistake because you’re tired and overworked and you feel the consequences of that, when you should instead be given grace, support, and resources.

my big breaking point came in february 2021. significantly, this was happening right as we experienced the first saturn/uranus square of the year. this square happened between my ninth and twelfth houses – quite literally, the area of my life that had to do with my vision, path, and purpose was coming into conflict or tension with the area of my life that wanted me to retreat, to rest, and to escape into my solitude. i was in such bad shape that my health was suffering immensely. it wasn’t sustainable.

a younger me would have toughed it out, no matter the cost. the older, wiser me knew that my mental and physical health were priority number one. so i took a leap and i decided to purse a medical leave of absence.

i suddenly had ninety days in front of me. ninety days to heal. to recover. to go to therapy. to listen to my body and finally give it what it needed. it was an intense decision, but once it was made, i did everything in my power to let go of the guilt i was feeling and instead just try to breathe again.

on paper, those ninety days don’t look very “productive”. i did not come out of that time period with a fully fleshed-out plan for what came next. i did not write in my blog or build my business or pursue anything that i could hold up over my head and exclaim, “look at me! look at my achievement!”

but in reality, those ninety days were deeply productive. they were productive for me *internally*. they were productive insofar as i wasn’t anxious at all. i moved from a space of constant conflict and tension to a place of mindfulness and even stillness. i don’t want to glamourize the experience or say that it was easy – actually listening to myself and taking care of myself took a hell of a lot of work. it was ugly at times. it was often lonely. my therapist, my doctor, and my loved ones all supported me through that experience, but at the end of the day, i still had to come back to ME. i had to make sure that i was going to be okay.

i am sharing this story for a few reasons. first – back when i shared that i was unveiling this website, and that i was trying to build my business, there was a lot of excitement for me and it was incredibly heartening. so many people have great faith in my skill and ability as an astrologer, and it means the world to me. when i didn’t spend more time focusing on this site and on my social media, i worried that i would be letting people down. when i walked away from doing readings i wondered if i would somehow lose my talent because i wasn’t putting it into practice regularly.

second – i needed to share this because i have to be honest about my experience. so much of what i went through can’t be covered in a few paragraphs in a blog. but i needed to at least draw the outline for you so you could have just a taste of what it was like. the full story is much more complex, painful, and in the end, liberating.

and finally – i needed to put this out there because i know that my situation is actually the norm for many. so many people are being made to do more with less. so many people are being asked to give everything they have to a job, when most of the best parts of life happen outside of work. i can’t tell you how many people have pulled me aside, or messaged me, or reached out in some way or another to tell me how inspired they were that i took this time to heal and recover…and just how deeply they need to do it for themselves. i don’t know if you are in a position to do so, but if you are, i beg of you – do it. and don’t look back.

i returned to my job after the ninety day leave, which was just before the second saturn/uranus square back in june. this time, saturn was retrograde. the first hit was the toughest. the second hit meant that what i experienced the first time around was back up for review. i returned to a working environment that hadn’t changed much since i left – but the difference was that i had changed. i knew that i had to set better boundaries. i knew that i had to make a plan. i knew that if you can’t adapt to the culture, and if you can’t change the culture, you have to decide to seek out a new culture that fits you better.

that second square opened up the door for the next chapter. in september, i left that job and started with a new company. i have only been in my new role for about eight weeks, but already i can tell that the culture is a much better fit for me. i finally have peace and balance again. my days are busy but not overwhelming. my work is important but it doesn’t consume me. my inbox is not only manageable, it’s a pleasure – because email is used appropriately and my inbox isn’t flooded at all hours of the night. i love that i can close my laptop at the end of a workday and instead of feeling anguish over what i might have missed, i feel at ease knowing that what’s waiting for me the next day isn’t going to crush me.

the journey that got me to this place is much more meaty and in-depth than what i can share here. i have so much more to say about everything that has happened during my twelfth house year. but for now, i offer this summary to you as a rationale for why i went dark for many months, and to ask for your patience as i begin to make my way to the surface again. the healing process doesn’t end just because i’m in a better place – in fact, it’s more of a reason to continue the work. i am building something that can be sustainable. i am building a life of ease and pleasure and peace, and i am building it to last.